Greetings and suck me. I'm Jeff Woods, maintenance
programmer for Star Wars Galaxies: An Empire Divided.
As a maintenance programmer it is my responsibility
to manage existing code, write bug fixes, integrate
new code while analyzing its impact on existing functionality
and be the brunt of your jokes and flames on the forums.
Suck me. I'm writing this Friday Feature because I'm
about sick of your, the valued customer's, torrent
of never ending sass-mouth and ill-informed crap. I
repeat, suck me. Suck me long. Suck me hard.
Being a maintenance programmer is such a privileged
joy and honor. I get to spend anywhere from
eight to twelve, sometimes as many as sixteen straight
hours a day locked in an eight by eight cube grinding
my ass out writing code that you freaks don't appreciate.
Did I mention you can suck me? What I love best is you
forum jockeys lamenting the game code while you most
likely work in a porn theater as a janitor or mooch
off my tax dollars as an unemployed turd, sitting on
a couch with no cushion with Chef Boyardee stains
all over your wife beater. If you think you can write
better netcode I invite you to come down and have a
go, after you suck me of course....freak.
Does the game have bugs? Yeah, it has a helluva lot
of bugs. What the fuck you think I'm doing here cock
gobbler? I'm trying to fix the god damn game but you
little whiney bitches want new shit too. New shit equals
more bugs. IT NEVER ENDS! WHEN I GET ON TOP OF THE HILL
I GET BURIED IN A BIGGER PILE OF DUNG! I HATE YOU ALL!
DIE! Plus I don't make the decisions, I just code. I
wish I did. I'd put a god damn virus in each and every
one of your machines and blow up your shit!
Why don't you test the code before you deploy it?
Hey! Why don't you suck me!?
We do test it Corky. Unfortunately we can not test
to the level of ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND concurrent users
to see EVERY bug that may exist. Also some bugs require
the "Moron Quotient". That's where you come in. Only
morons could uncover some of this crap because right
thinking people don't dismount their swoop while trying
to call a pet going into a Krayt spawn with orange hotpants
AND trying to compose a new email at the same time.
Just suck me, I'm sick of justifying myself to a bunch
of Monday Morning Quarterbacks who don't even possess
the prowess to negotiate the complexities of the local
ATM machine. I'll take your coding advice when you can
finally figure out how to stop that 12:00 AM on your
microwave from blinking incessantly Mr. Beautiful
Ok, you can't fix all the bugs but can you at
least listen to us?
Hey! How about I listen to the "glup, slurp, glup"
sounds as you suck me!?
I'll tell you why I don't listen. I can only
read so much of your stupid ass bull shit before I lose
all faith in the future of humanity and start sorting
my guns by barrel flavor. Reading your tripe only confirms
the world is full of stupid people with stupid ideas.
If good ideas were beers I wouldn't have enough from
the forums to get a buzz.
Seriously, let's listen to what you have to say! Here's
some gems from the forums that you guys wrote. Names
withheld to protect the retarded.
I worked hard by afking 16 profassions
to beacoming a Jedi (I had to learn auto-cliker lol!)
I should beable to kill ne1 who atatcks me in one hit
from my sabar and ne1 I kill should lose XP 2. What
do u think?
Aye, you sure "worked hard"! Hard work is coding for
48 hours straight so some guy who spends $15 can call
you an asshole. I'll get right on this one.
I'm an Impereal and I think I should be
able to have teh ATAT pet and call it and it should
hve a million HAM and pwnzor teh Rebals! lolz
TKs shoud haev stun Vibrator Knuckles
w/ Mind Fire!11
And your parents should have had an abortion...although
I do agree that the game needs "Vibrator Knuckles".
Hell, Vibrator anything...damn "T for Teen" rating.
You get half credit, I kill you last.
I can't read these ideas. I actually feel myself getting
dumber if I do. I don't get paid enough for this crap...I
quit. After two years of this crap I'M OUT!